Little Boxes

I was sitting in the carport by my house with a can of spray paint in my hand today and I had a flash back...

In the elementary school, for Valentines Day the teachers have all the students bring a little box with an envelope-sized hole in it to school for their valentines. There is a competition between all of the kids with homemade boxes as to whose is most creative and the winner gets a candy bar. So I ran home and my Dad helped me find a box (it was actually big enough to hold everyone's valentines with plenty of room to spare, but I didn't care). We went to the store and bought pink spray paint (gotta love it!) and I sat outside in the backyard after school one day and spray painted my box... In February, in MT. I'm surprised I didn't come up with pink frostbite. After that Dad suggested (he and I have always had some ideas that were a bit over our heads, but we dont care) that instead of cutting a hand shaped-hole in the top like the instructions said, we should cut a heart-shaped hole. So we did. hahaha. And I wrote cool phrases on it with sharpie marker, and put stickers on it - the whole sha-bang. The next day (2/14) I took it to school and got 1st place for creativity!! :). The Prize: a Snicker's bar. Gotta love the irony... :D

But today I was out on the cement in the carport for a different reason. It still had to do with love, but a different kind... Today I spray painted a little 16"x12"x10" wooden box pink. Sometime next week I will put a small, fluffy, soft, beautiful little poodle inside of it. My first dog: Missy Poodle Puppy Dog, as I used to call her needs to be put down, and the time has come. I will miss her very much, and I hear that the first pet you lose (I'm not counting the tens of thousands of little starter gold fish that overheated in my fishtank when I was 6.) is the hardest, and you never forget her. I can't say I didn't see this coming, or that I dont know its the right thing, but still I will be sad. Next Sunday when I go to church, I wont have to feed her and check her diaper before I leave, and, yes that will hurt very much, but we will move on and survive and cherish the life that was shared with us for far longer than we could've hoped for on this earth.

But I do know, that she is not alone in any way, and I do believe there is some sort of a little 'doggy heaven' out there for her somewhere, just like there is a heaven for us out there. And I find comfort in that, because one day we will all end up in Little Boxes...

Lonlieness

Its sort of sick that I only really post when something "bad" happens, but hey... Maybe I'll work on that.

I just realized something though. I used to condone something someone I knew did because of lonlieness. I used to accept it, because I knew what it felt like, but doesn't everyone? And that's exactly my point. Everyone feels lonely at some point, and that's NORMAL, but most people just deal with it. They know it won't last forever, they accept it, and generally move on. Yeah, sometimes it takes a while, and it takes some effort and courage to move past it healthily, but it happens and they don't need to do anything crazy to deal with it. No, some people don't have the courage, or the hope, but then its the people that do have it, its their job to let the people that don't know that its there: "You won't be lonely/sad forever. It WILL go away, you just have to be patient and have faith." And I still feel so awful for the people that have lost hope in getting beyond it, and I hope that I can help them - the ones I know anyway - to know that I love them, and care about them, and that they make me happy! :) and, yes, someday they're going to meet someone that makes them happy and that they can make happy in return, forever. But I'm not going to just fluff it off anymore, and let it be. I'm not going to condone any behavior that is unhealthy, or frightening, just to get beyond the lonlieness. No, not while there's something I can do about it. And I do hope, in fact I know, that some day when I will feel that seemingly unending lonlieness (if I haven't already and there may be more days like that for me) that there will be someone I love and care about there to tell me that "Its not over until YOU say its over." and I hope I'm listening.

Movies...

So I've been thinking a lot lately and certainly been watching a lot of movies in theaters... Most recently I saw Life As We Know It with Katherine Heigl on Friday and Secretariat just a few hours ago. And I think watching a movie in theaters is dangerous. Stay with me, I know its crazy, but hear me out. :) first, you have your popcorn throwers, texters, screamers, jumpers, 'feet on the back of the seat'-ers, lovers (yes, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about: the real reason no one likes to see horror movies in theaters anymore isn't because they're scarier), and, naturally the ticket prices. But, more than that, the reason that directors, actors, even extras, are rich (don't hold your breath) and famous.... movies make EVERYONE emotional. Even the guys that turn their heads at the climax of the movie to see if their wives are crying are emotional when it comes to football movie legends like Remember the Titans. Horror movies make you paranoid. Romantic Comedies make you lovey-dovey. Inspirational movies -those ones that almost everyone likes- make your heart pound for twenty minutes after you've left the theater. Action movies make you remember when you were a kid and you just KNEW that you were going to be the next muntant ninja turtle. You get my point.

So back to the ones making the mula when the rest of us have to save up the money for weeks just to pay for the gas (referring to my fellow Montanans). These celebrities don't make the money from the DVDs and VHSs or the action figures that are poorly modeled after them, no, they make it in theaters. Because, everyone who's ever seen a bad movie in theaters knows that if isn't even remotely good in theaters, its not going ANYWHERE afterwards. So that's what the big producing companies compete for is the box office milllions. Its all over the news in the summertime, who's selling the most tickets opening weekend. However, I still haven't gotten to my overall point yet, which I should before I lose you all. My point is that when you're in that theater its the movie makers JOB to make you feel out of touch with reality for approx. 90 minutes. In football movies, you're right there blocking next to the starting quarterback. In chick fliks, you're the lead female's best friend that she tells EVERYTHING to when the man she loves moves cross country for a job. In the horror films, you hope, you're the sole servivor.

But what happens when you leave the theater?? When you are shoved back INTO reality with the sound of the last song on the soundtrack. You throw your half-full cold popcorn bucket into the trash can and feel the wave of the cold air hit your face as you walk to the car. Well, as I've clearly illustrated throughout this entry, it depends on the movie. Horror movies? You have to  admit, you're thrilled to be back in reality, but you'll be locking your bedroom door tonight and closing all your windows. Romantic comedies? Chances are, you're glad you saw the movie, but ready to break up with your boyfriend because you know you deserve better (which comes in the form of the ACTOR, yes ACTOR in the movie). And if you don't have a boyfriend? Well you'll be asking out that co-worker you've had an eye on for a while, just 'knowing' that it'll turn out to be a fairytale just like in the movie. Inspirational movies, are the most dangerous (like I said before, I'd prove it to you), because now you want to up and quit your job and do that trip around the world you'd been planning all your life.

Why, you say, am I bashing on movies in theaters, and not just movies in general? Or books for that matter, everyone always says that they're a portable escape from reality? But that's exactly my point. Reality. With books, at some point you have to get up and make dinner or go to bed because you've got a big test the next day. Watching movies at home, especially with the family, someone ALWAYS has to get up and go the bathroom just before the best part. So there's your difference. You get a break. You get a chance to slowly, carefully reassociate your life with reality so that when the movie's over you won't be as throttled as when you leave a movie theater. So, like I said, movie theaters are not safe. But, you see, I'm still not done yet. :).

One last thing. Are they really dangerous, in a bad way? Are movies in theaters such an awful thing? Or could they be the best thing that ever happened to you? Don't you have to risk it all to win it all? Maybe some, not all, but some of these movies are actually one giant alarm clock for reality. One big bunch of it all rolled into a 90 minutes infomercial, and that's why they seem scary. Because they are the things that tell you, "Hey, you do deserve better." or "You really can live your dream."

So now its up to you. Go ahead, take the kids to the movies on saturday nights to go see the new Kungfu Panda. And yes, you can still use the theaters as an easy date (though its not as cheap as it used to be), but this time, be prepared. You may be a changed person when you pull the car out of the theater parking lot that night. You may even wake up the next morning with a mask over your eyes and a name like Michealangelo....

la la la...blah. blah la.

So I'm going to write this and then I HAVE to do my homework! :) lol. As you can see this is my first post since school started....wow. Funnily enough more stuff has happened to me since the first day of school than did all summer... Most of it for the better.

One thing I've learned (not that I haven't learned it before, but apparently its not sticking) is that even if something seems horrible now, often it turns out that it happened for the better. Actually, the worse it is, the better it often turns out...?! Who knew?

Well one thing that is just bad, uncomfortable, and doesn't pertain to this theory however, is my Grandma. She's really screwed up... While I was in California she tried to talk to me about what's going on w/mom and shiela!! UGH!! If anyone knows how to dig herself a mine, its her. It was barely two weeks since I'd explained to mom that I didn't want any part of it anymore. "I want to have my own personal relationship with my Grandma and I just want her to be my Grandma." I wanted to form my own opinion, give her a chance at least with me! Was I wrong? TOTALLY. So I gave her what was coming to her, she didn't get it, and that was the end of it. I don't ever want to speak to her again as far as I'm concerned now, and she just completely revolts me in every way. I wish so terribly that Beth didn't have to be subject to this mahem like I was. That she could just be a kid with a grandma, but I don't know now... Yeah, I want Mom and Sheila to be able to put aside their differences long enough for Beth to have time with Grandma, but that involves Liza's or Matt's having to babysit them both EVERY time they hang out because Grandma is a chronic alcoholic. Also, IF, IF! they can all cooperate, what's going to happen when Beths old enough to understand whats going on? What's happened? Then what? And this all depends on Grandma really shaping up her act and knocking off trying to talk to me AND beth about the awful situation w/her and mom and sheila. Ugh. I wish sometimes that Beth could just....have the wonderful grandma I thought I had when I grew up. jeez she screwed up...oh well done now, move on.

Next, Wayne... The greatest guy in the world still. We're not perfect, but we love eachother. I miss him as much as ever... He's my world. We're equal. We're right.

Finally I'm free of volleyball bitches!! YAY! Hopefully next year I can get back to it though...I desprately miss coaches...and the game...and my friends...:(.... stupid jerks... Girls will be girls, but still. Freshman officially suck. !!!

Joelene and Todd and Cece will leave soon...:'(... Sad... It also means I'll be running church sometimes, XD. It'll be crazy!!!???/ but I did my first service not too long ago and it was pretty great. :) 0.o I messed up a little, but it was...empowering. People said I should become a Priest...I don't think so... But I'm excited to lead church more and that. :) it was fun.

Well...................maybe I should get going?? okay then, byes! XD

A Good Year...

Is so glad this school year has only....ONE DAY LEFT!! But I got some really great things out of it. It really showed me that hard work, dedication, faith, and even a few late nights can really help you achieve something greater than you thought imaginable!! I got an A- in my AP Psych class, WAHOO!! :D, probably 100 or something on Bio Semester Test. :) Yay team.

But I also mentioned some faith in there too. I think some of that goes to the fact that I have a good guy in my life now. :) And YES!! I've had plenty of great guys in my life, like my dad, uncles, etc. But as far as romantic relationships well... As is the story of most girls my age, I can say I haven't been that lucky until this last January. You know you hear girls say they're giving up on men, or men are stupid,...whatever. And, yes some men ARE stupid and uncaring, down right idiots, but honestly? There are also some unpleasant women out there too. I don't mean to dis on my sex, but if you think about it, you've met a few people from both sides of the river that are really good....and REALLY bad.

Someone once told me that you should want what you already have, and don't care about what you don't - or something along those lines. Either way, I've thought about it, and some of the greatest things or the ones I've most desired to have in my life came about when I stopped looking and wishing. When you just take life by the seat of your pants, go with the flow, and take chances when they're offered (as in not just waiting for that ONE oppurtunity to knock), you'll have a much happier life - by your standards, not someone elses.

Come last December well...guys were very confusing to me and NOT exactly at the top of my list, I'll tell you that much. January, I was getting better, not hating ALL guys quite as much, but not really too interested in them either. What did I tell you about stop looking? January 9th, I met Wayne, and I couldn't ask for anything better. I'll try not to get too mushy, I promise, but I've been dating him for over four months, and it already feels like a life time. For once, its good to feel like your boyfriend is like one of your BEST friends (and it feels even better when you know that the feeling is mutual).

So yeah, back to faith. Have faith in yourself - there IS someone out there thats meant for you, you just haven't found him/her yet ;). Have faith in others - what one man cannot do alone, ten men may be able to achieve together. And also, not everyone's bad, but for those that ARE:
"It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. It takes 4 muscles in your arm to impair that person's ability to talk for a few moments."
And yes, I did sensor that one, my mom will probably read this. :) lol. Well I hope everyone is having a good with and a great summer!! Until next time.....

So I decided to start a blog...

Yes I am crazy and need mental help (for starting a blog...among other things), but bring it up with my boyfriend. I figured, why not? Its like a journal, but i can type so its half the work, right? WRONG! Oh well...

Part of the reason is, I'm lonely and bored. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some teenager who sits on her butt all day contemplating how terrible her life is! No, not me, truly. I have a wonderful family, not to mention, you know that perfect one-of-a-kind guy? You know the knight in shining armour? The one you've been waiting for... Well that's my boyfriend! :) Yes, be jealous, he's mine. All mine. No take backs. Oh yeah, and I'm a sophomore in high school with the busiest schedule since the lawyers who had to clean up watergate. Hahahahahahahahahaha, no.

But that's the way I like it. In fact, I think if I wasn't that busy I'd go crazy. ....oh......crap.

Ok, so back to why I'm lonely and bored? (by the way, if you haven't figured out this is merely a place for me to whine about my problems where no one could get on my case about it because, hey they were the ones who chose to read it, well....nevermind, no point telling you now) I'm bored because yes, I do like to work hard, but I do also want some down time.

My boyfriend is about to enlist in the army (~2 weeks), -OK! OK! MARINES, excuse me-. Either way, can you spell, m-i-s-s YOU? but I know its something that he really really wants to do and I can't tell you how head-over-heels proud I am of him for that. What is there in life if you can't chase your own dreams, right? He's a good guy, and the Marines are lucky to have him. Not to mention, my Best Friend (and me too way....way...way deep down inside) always knew somehow that I'd hook up with someone in the service. Its in my blood...sort of. My dad was in the Navy, both Uncles on my mom's side, a few on my dad's, grandparents, etc. But he's doing what he wants, and he's protecting our country in ways thousands of people can't imagine. He's always been my protector, but soon he'll be yours too.

Do any of you go to church? Its still so weird to think that this time last year I could honestly say without regret (or pride) that I'd been to church less than ten times in my life. Now, I can say that I have gone. Want to know something? Going and then continuing to go was by far one of the best decisions I have ever or will ever make in my life time. Letting myself be more involved with God has truly changed me, and it has changed my outlook on people. Whether I truly understand God's message, or the path he has chosen for me is not important yet. My point is that he has brought me to this place, and I will stay there as long as I can. The people I see every Sunday are honest to goodness some of the nicest, all around fun people I've ever met. Reverend Todd and lovely wife Joelene have adopted me as there surrogate daughter and I am glad and grateful have that honor - not to mention how unbelievably COOL my surrogate sister is!! :) No matter what happens going forward, I know the experiences I've had, friendships I've made, and lessons I've learned in the last eight months in Christ Church in Sheridan will stay with me throughout my life. Thanks so much everyone, for sharing this unbelievable occasion wiht me. :')

Cece isn't the only sister I adopted this year. Last summer, I convinced my parents that hosting a foreign exchange student for the next year would be an exciting experience! We really had no idea... Luise Haag joined our family August 2009, and I speak for everyone when we say that though she's leaving in a few weeks *cry*, she will always be a part of our family and our hearts. Sharing a room with another teenage girl was a bit of a challenge for both of us, but if we both look back over the past school year I don't think that we have any regrets.... (except maybe the bathroom XD lol). I truly have found another part of me in Luise. To this day, I introduce her as my sister. And then of course when I get the "and why don't you look like a model too???" look, I tell whoever it is, that this is my German sister. ("Oohhhhhh....") Go figure. :) Anyways, Luise and I will miss eachother terribly when she leaves: the late night talks, chick flik movie parties, bad jokes, -tell me everything- walks in the park, --jeez we sound like a couple. EW! :D Ok, well either way, not a single member of our family-no, not even you Sporkie-will be dry-eyed next month when she has to back to her home in Germany.

Do you think maybe I should talk about my own family now? You know the ones I've actually lived with all my life? :) lol. First, lets start with my mom. She's got a heart as big as the rocky mountains. Five years ago she packed the family up and moved us back to Montana, my home state. Why? Because she wanted to spend more time with us kids before we were out of the house. Did I mention how great she is? Though we all loved California, there are experiences I would never dream of not having if we hadn't come up here. Yes, I had a rough time at first, but I got over it. I still want to go back to CA for college, but thats another two years away.

My mom graduated from University of California at Berekeley (Go BEARS!!) and now runs Tobbacco Root Graphics. I think her favorite part about Montana (along with most people's) is its beauty. She loves to garden, go hiking, take pictures, go fishing - you name it. But that doesn't keep her from spending time with her little girls, my sister, Beth, and I. In the winter (all 9 months of it) we all hang out and watch movies, play board games, go skiing!!, go sledding, etc. Though she works, my mom always does above and beyond to make sure she can spend time with us girls and I tell you, thats the best gift a daughter can have.

I think I'll give you the low down on the rest of my family (surrogate and otherwise :)) next time... Right now my book, school work, and dirty clothes hamper is calling to me, so until next time,

Darlin

My First Post

Hello:
This is the first day my blog is up and I'm SUPER excioted LOL! All thanks to Buzz (applause).